Here I am, standing at the shore of doubt in the middle night. I can feel the waves hitting on my feet. This black sea of cold still waves, I am dying to jump in. Then I look back, because all these time I should not give in again.
These are the last part of my extended dog years. What it seems to be nothing, is all I need to reap it all. I am once again rolled into the valley. What it seems to be a losing war, it’s ironically just the beginning of the end.
But is this all I’ve got? No, I am worth much more. Let these voices at the corners of my dark mind disappear. Purge out all these shadows lurking in my heart. Exorcise me.
This is not a dream with a clock that changes reality once it struck 12. This is reality situated beyond with time dripping slowly away. With every precious drop screaming as it dissipates into the ground while you stand there and idle away.
Everything is written for yesterday and for tomorrow. What will it be like tomorrow after today? For our yesterday prepares the journey of what will come by the break of dawn.
Reignite my heart, I want to feel it burn. This is no time to dwell on these miniscule dark thoughts. We are all made to think with our brains and feel with our hearts. Not the other way.
Tame this beast. So when it all ends, I can enjoy the feast.
Change is here. Change is near. Change will inevitably be here.
After all, nothing stays. Forever is just another word that will decay. Hate it or embrace it, we are all prone to it.
Every situation is impermanent. Sometimes we have to learn to let go, yet we’re so easily attached. Even wished that it didn’t happened, wished everything stayed. Like we all can break every clock, so this moment will not come to past.
When the only easy day was yesterday, everyone lies in bed praying and wishing that tomorrow is a better day.
Stare into the night, your mind will be stripped away.
Sleep, because the sun will still rise and everything begins with today.
After all, the only easy day was yesterday.
What are we? Drunk and driven by the glorious dreams and achievements? Or been doubted by our sinister mind and let the fear crept in to never tell us our potential truth?
What am I? Tame this volatile heart and wildest mind.
Whatever beats will never be in consensus with whatever flows. The never ending fight of grace and pride. No one really wins this time.
It’s long, it’s all stupid and it’s just pure pandemonium. But that week is done.
Yet again I’ve come to today, and I stand together in this brethren court. There is life in it. There is hope in this broken hospital. Again, I’m ready to consecrate my heart once more.
Start the music, sing it as a choir. Then it dissipate, but there is stillness, there is a subtle joy. And once this is all over, I am ready to go again.
It defies jadedness and apathy. It defies the mundane. It is beauty and it is grace. Yet our silly hearts forgets it so easily.
Thus I see life, it is vibrant and it dances. And there is more, much more. I’ll wait another week as I wait for the next. As I stand and see the small altar. And as I stand there and see life.
11.34am as I lie down on my bed. The clock was hung across screaming me to get up. The everything was shut in this still room. I could feel the moist on my skin as I curse at the air-conditioner for giving in.
“It’s not like there’s something for today. But here goes nothing.” I muttered. I harness my strength just to overcome the seduction of my bed. I tied the curtains I looked out at the window.
Bright. Very indeed. I braced myself and slide open the window. The surge of breeze caresses my hair. The sound of the car’s engine, kids laughing and the rustling leaves. It all brought life to this once dead silent room.
Then I realized, I am alive. Very well alive. And then I breathe, I breathed it well.
“Move it
move on
you change
you’ll change
and you don’t even know it yet.
don’t fool yourself.
it is called impermanence
don’t say no,
don’t get stuck on that
it is called denial
don’t you believe in growing up,
evolution…
and i’ll understand
because all good things,
all bad things come to an end.
that is why i don’t trust
because i snap,
because i wake up,
close open my eyes, in a wink, in a glimpse even perhaps
and you are not there anymore
i am not what i used to be in your mind
and i can only blame time
impermanence, instability of things because you never know what’s next
i don’t trust you because i don’t trust myself
and i know how it hurts to hurt somebody and not being aware.”
- Mon
"The human struggle bothered Rick, as if something was broken in the world and we were supposed to hold our palms against the wound.” - Donald Miller’s Blue Like Jazz (page 114)"
